I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
