Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
