The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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