you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
