Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
