you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
