Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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