so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
