i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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