Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
