His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
