On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
