Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
