Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
