it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
