He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just found a bag of teeth...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
