I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
