Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
