Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
