yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
