life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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