How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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