A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
