I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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