Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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