does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
