she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
