why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
