so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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