I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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