I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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