saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My vagina is officially offended.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
