my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
