Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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