My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
40s are totally the cure
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
