Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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