i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
