you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
