you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
