Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
