The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
