im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
