I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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