Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
