you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Someone signed my nipple.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
