Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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