i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
