Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize