hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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