Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
