I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
