I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
