Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
