puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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