You're earring is so big in my mouth
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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