My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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