When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
