I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
how do you play pong handcuffed?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
