I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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