the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
