don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
