Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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