can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My vagina just recognized that song.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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