Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i will never coherently bang her
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
