Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
