Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
